Monica Lo stayed silent for years as the man she married abused her. She said he punched and even choked her. Lo didn’t report the violence to law enforcement and lied to doctors about her injuries. She was taught to obey men and feared speaking out would bring her family shame. “I didn’t want anybody to know what’s going on with me and my family,” Lo told Wisconsin Watch. The abuse escalated into a death threat along a highway in 1998, prompting Lo to wonder if she would survive or become yet another casualty of domestic violence.
Lo ultimately escaped the abuse and got back on her feet with help from The Women’s Community Inc., a Wausau-based nonprofit that serves domestic violence and trafficking survivors. She earned a master’s degree in social work and returned to help Hmong women through challenges similar to those she faced. Lo, who has spent the last six years as an advocate and program coordinator for The Women’s Community, is among Hmong women pushing back against attitudes that prevent women from leaving violent relationships.
Miss Kansas Alexis Smith, domestic abuse survivor, shares story behind viral video
https://t.co/1TCy6Eqk0D— Kim Howard, CAE (@kimhowardsc) July 22, 2024
Hmong residents, the largest Asian racial ethnic group in Wisconsin, make up just 1% of Wisconsin’s population but have mourned numerous killings linked to domestic abuse. In an unofficial tally from news coverage and advocacy group reports, Wisconsin Watch counted 20 Wisconsin homicide cases since 1990 in which Hmong men have killed their intimate partners and, in some cases, additional women. Those include 14 cases since 2005. More recent victims include Mai Rue “Lily” Vang of Wausau, who struggled to leave a partner who abused her for years before killing her in March 2021.
Leaving abusive relationships can prove particularly challenging within traditional Hmong structures that value interdependence over independence. When families negotiate terms of a marriage or separation, cultural divorce can prove particularly messy. “It takes individuals up to seven attempts to leave their abusers,” said Cheeia Lo, executive director of the Green Bay-based domestic violence program Golden House. “And the number is a lot higher in the Hmong community. I would say almost double that.”
Domestic violence survivors, regardless of ethnicity, often avoid speaking to law enforcement. Just 52% of domestic violence victims who responded to the 2019 National Crime Victimization Survey said they reported the violence to police. Thao’s nonprofit runs a 24/7 Hmong-speaking helpline for survivors of domestic violence and their supporters. It received 117 calls, most from within Wisconsin, between October 2022 and September 2023 alone. Nearly two-thirds related to domestic violence at home.
Hmong Americans organize themselves in an 18-clan structure, with clans recognizing a common ancestor. Clans play a major role in family dynamics, including cultural marriage and divorce. A Hmong wife will traditionally join her husband’s clan and family. Such interdependence can make leaving an abusive relationship particularly challenging. Cultural divorce involves an agreement among clans and can include lengthy mediation sessions that prioritize keeping a couple together.
Monica Lo said her father supported her, and both of her parents agreed to help with childcare, but finalizing the cultural divorce took time because it required her then-husband’s clan to agree. That happened only after three hours-long mediation sessions in which male clan leaders encouraged her to remain in the relationship before it became clear that the violence persisted.
In this viral video, Miss Kansas calls out her abuser who showed up at her competition.
Alexis Smith won this year’s Miss Kansas crown on a platform of promoting healthy relationships and ending abusive ones.
Read more at: https://t.co/AzQbgBkRW9
— Julee Jonez (@iamjuleejonez) July 18, 2024
Jane Graham Jennings, executive director of The Women’s Community, remembers seeing Lo when she turned to the agency for help in 1999. It was early in Jennings’ tenure at the nonprofit and around its launch of culturally specific services for Hmong clients. Leading that effort was the late Mao Khang, a fierce advocate for Hmong women facing domestic violence. Khang helped The Women’s Community set up its own mediation services for clients seeking some clan involvement in a cultural divorce.
Feanna Vang, Lily’s youngest sister, wishes she had more strongly urged Lily to leave the relationship. Feanna said Lily would confide in her, saying the relationships provided some sense of security. At The Women’s Community, Monica Lo closely followed the case. She said Lily tried hard to exit the relationship, even seeking clan mediation, but her partner refused to cooperate. Lo said Lily’s death illustrates the challenge many younger Hmong Americans face in adapting to American cultural and legal norms that frown upon abuse while maintaining some patriarchal ideas.
key Points:
- Monica Lo endured years of abuse and kept it secret due to cultural and familial pressures.
- Lo eventually escaped with help from The Women’s Community Inc., earning a master’s degree and becoming an advocate.
- Hmong residents in Wisconsin have faced numerous domestic violence-related homicides, with cultural structures complicating divorces and escapes.
- Domestic violence is hard to quantify due to underreporting, with only 52% of victims reporting to police.
- Lo’s case and the murder of Mai Rue “Lily” Vang highlight the persistent cultural challenges Hmong women face in leaving abusive relationships.
James Kravitz – Reprinted with permission of Whatfinger News
